Baby or No Baby?

I met B five years ago. Fell in love. Planned to move away for grad school. Had crisis of priorities in life. Decided to stay here for grad school. For love. Best decision I ever made! Moved in together. Got a cat. Named her Pixie. Got a fish. Named him Pierre. Got a job. Finished grad school. Bought a house. Got married! Got another cat. Named her Cous Cous.

This was hard to fathom during previous relationships, but B is my favorite person in the whole world.

During all that falling in love and picking up cats from the Humane Society, as many couples do, we've had the what-should-we-name-our-babies dreams and the how-would-we-parent talk and the where-would-we-send-our-kids-to-school discussion. That last one is particularly important because B happens to be a teacher.

But lately, because I'm in baby-making range, we've had more serious conversations. As in, what would we do for day care? Will our baby be smart and kind? Would we let our kid play video games? What if we have a kid who grows up to be--god forbid--a Republican?! Are we sure we even want to have kids?

That last one is the tricky one.

I'm not the type who spent my childhood playing with babydolls and dreaming of being a mom someday. My mom went back to work one week (one week!) after having me. She worked and finished her dissertation, and two months after I was born graduated with her doctorate. When I had the chickenpox, she stayed home with me for a week. And painted the entire house. Go, SuperMom! My mom also has an amazing over-abundance of energy.

For many years, I thought (and said out loud) that I did not want kids. I couldn't even maintain a consistent schedule with my dentist. How could I possibly manage my own life and the life of some (albeit cute and cuddly) helpless baby?

As I was reassured that I would, I've found myself wanting a baby more and more. Maybe that has something to do with age. Or having found someone with whom I want to parent. Or finally having consistent dental appointments. Who knows?!

But B teaches eighth grade. And in terms of birth control options, teaching thirteen and fourteen year olds puts the pill, IUDs, and condoms to shame.

It is hard--nay, impossible--for him to imagine us having a wonderful kid who doesn't someday turn into one of his crazy eighth graders! He also has a whole host of other worries: the economy, daycare, parenting like his dad, parenting like his mom, having a sociopath, changing our lives, changing our relationship, never having sex again, never being able to retire, and on and on.

To be honest, I can't quite articulate why I want kids. I think B and I have resources and skills that will help us be decent parents. We have family and friends nearby who will be loving and supportive (and hopefully up for some babysitting). We'll read books on parenting and try to show the kid all of the wonders of the world. We will love a kid with all our might, and do our best.

But more than anything, having a child is simply an experience in life I don't want to miss. And B agrees.